What now?

Looking through my profile pictures on Facebook, I realized (as I have many times before) I’ve so many faces. It’s because of my endless struggle against stereotypes though I understand now that me resisting labels is of no use. I know that many people suffer from being reduced to a “role” when everyone can’t be as one-dimensional as they portray people in the movies. Characters are way more complex than a book’s well-played antagonist.

I am sensitive and far from violent yet I like watching UFC. I do poledancing yet I try to play flag football. I will try almost everything yet I won’t consider myself adventurous. I play it safe most of the time. I am a free spirit indeed but I am no longer as spontaneous as I was before. In fact, these days I always have a plan.

I am confused myself if my diet is brought about by being a “foodie” or because I am a fitness enthusiast. It may be a little bit of both. Then again I’m also not sure if I am more of a cook or more of a food critic.

I write on my notebook and it’s different from what I blog about. Just as my lifestyle gives away nothing of what I do for a living. Since I write both at work and play, many would also label me as a writer but I think I am just a researcher and a blogger. Those three are all very different from each other. Even the coverage of my blogs makes me scratch my head. Can’t you be interested in different things at the same time?

I’ve always loved music yet I never had the inclination to sing, play an instrument or compose songs. Dancing, of course is another thing. I like appreciating art in almost every form. I like visual arts, film, sculpture and architecture. I like plays, musicals and art performances. I also love fashion but my interest in this field would rarely manifest in the horrid items of clothing people often catch me wearing.

I am quiet, introverted and a fifth-grader can be more articulate than I am yet I can be a leader and talk in front of a crowd. I like to travel, who doesn’t? But my yearning for familiarity will always be a hindrance in becoming a true “traveler”.

I always say I want to be an artist and some people say I already am. But I am stubborn and I am not convinced. I may have been dabbling in photography, painting and crafts but I don’t think that readily makes you an “artist”. I’d know it when I see one though!

I feel I am too old to not know what I am. I am into almost everything yet I’m still nothing. I recently asked my dad what his aspirations were for me 20 years ago and he flinched.


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